Politeness is a word that refers to social norms and customs in a particular culture that make most people in that culture feel better, rather than worse. It’s almost like a language that you speak to each other to signal that you’re part of the same group.

In your culture, it may be polite to greet people a certain way, for example. If that’s your culture, and then someone meets you and doesn’t greet you that way, you might feel like that person dislikes you. You might feel self-conscious or snubbed, and overall it won’t improve your day. But the answer might be that the other person has a different culture, one where your custom is out of the ordinary or even prohibited. So for that individual, it isn’t a case of politeness; it’s in conflict with their own culture. They may like you perfectly well, but they can’t engage in the same customs that are very normal in your everyday life.

The best real-life example of this that comes to mind is something that happened when I was studying at graduate school (in Canada, where I live). One day, all of the grad students met at the office to get to know one another. We had a common thread: we were all students of Spanish. As a result, much of the group was very familiar with common Latin American and/or Spanish customs. One of these was besos, a two-cheek kiss, practiced in particular (but not only) when a man meets a woman. Many of the students were arriving, giving besos to old friends and new ones, and everything was going great until two new students entered. One was a Swedish atheist man (I’ll call him Stewart) and one was an Egyptian Muslim woman (I’ll call her Muna). Stewart went around the room, giving besos to all the women and handshakes to all the men, and when he arrived at Muna, he just went right in for besos and caught her off-guard. You see, for Muna, physical contact with any man but her husband isn’t permitted. She panicked and her brain basically short-circuited, so before Stewart could touch her, all the could manage to do was shout, “Ahhhh!” Of course, Stewart jumped back and everything went quiet. At first, Muna looked quite embarrassed and quietly said, “I’m not allowed.” Stewart apologized profusely, saying he actually knew that was a common practice in Islam, but he’d forgotten himself in a moment of excitement. In no time at all, everyone was laughing—including Muna and Stewart—because her panicked outburst was so relatable. Stewart and Muna would go on to become close friends, having a great time together during their studies because they both had a really vibrant sense of humour. They were both great communicators, so when they found cultural differences, they were able to approach them with openness, and land in a place of mutual respect.

This is a great example of how politeness can sometimes fail us when we interact with folks who come from a different culture. Muna’s culture said that contact between a married woman and a man who isn’t her husband is far from polite. So to respect that, Stewart had to go against what was polite in the overall Spanish department’s culture and just greet her with a smile and a friendly word instead.

The main feature of politeness is context. Where are we? Who’s involved? What do they believe? Do we match up in that way? These kinds of questions help us navigate conflicts in manners and politeness.